poor channel surfing

the news came without warning. her passing after the fact was even more premature. a message to my hotel room in montreal one forsaken sunday morning in june was how i was notified of the finality of her time with me. i don't remember my reaction but i know it wasn't pretty and i was completely lost in what to do next.

the week leading up to this monumental crash was not spent making sense of things. we preferred to take advantage of what little time she had left. we talked about so many beautiful near future moments and left nothing unsaid. it was like packing a perfect lifetime together into 7 days. many details where skipped over; we were far from strangers to each other. hence, this "fast forward" effect. we shared our deepest feelings with each other and despite the inevitable, we were truly happy.

yes, full stop came unexpectedly and i was hurled through the windsheild headlong into a wall that was not even scarred by the impact. making sense of the 'whys' was, and still is, a cruel cruel struggle. sadness preceeded confusion and denial, followed by anger... c'mon, honestly what the eff-you-cee-kay!!??

closure? there is no simple formula, ingredient or kind phrase to wade me through this gravity-enhanced, sensory-deprivng fog. i'm sure relief is somewhere out there and i am hopeful. the problem, i find, is that this hurt keeps her fresh with me. why would i want to let go of this crushing feeling that keeps me remeniscing in what we felt togehter? she confided in me that she was worried that her memory would be forgotten and as much as i am in need of some kind of helpful goodbye, she must know i will never forget her.

so here i am, fumbling forward when all i really want is to go back to the start. luckily enough, i have a wonderful collection of memmories with her, a great bunch of orienteers behind me and a special little shining light giving me some focus. thanks little 'A'.

the bible says god helps those who help
themselves (ummmmmm... ok?);

dear god,

please pass me the remote control with
the enhanced rewind feature.

m.