goodnight?

my days are moving closer to normal. what is normal? i suppose you could argue that a normal day is one where you decide not to climb a water tower with a sniper rifle. these 'normal days' i refer to simply hold the promise that there are no events leaving your head treading water about as well as a large boulder.

it's the nights that i wish to avoid. bedtime is never a pleasant ritual. i put it off as much as i can until finally, i drag my sorry ass up the stairs to the awaiting alter of woe that most of us call 'bed'. this is where all the reminders of my miserable solitude come to kiss me goodnight. ironically though, it's never a goodnight.

drugs aren't the answer... they only bring sleep faster. the thoughts and the hurt still pre-empt any chemical induced slumber and often result in the most unfair and unavoidable visions, dreams and nightmares. is this my curse, to exhaustingly lay awake begging for closure or even better, the return of a future ripped away from me?

think happy thoughts? eff off! good luck on that one. happy thoughts are NOT a dime a dozen and are usually quite fleeting. as much as i am sure i should elaborate on this, i will instead quickly compare the concept to putting out an inferno by lazily hoarking a luggie in its general direction.

i consent that this does sound hopeless in the truest sense of the word yet i do find comfort in knowing that i have not given up on time being able to dismantle the ticking time bomb in my heart which karma, fate, or whatever/whomever has placed there.

so with my bitter ranting above, now behind me i pledge to tread on. i will continue to fall into bed, head in my hands, clutching my aching chest, curl up into the fetal position, let my pillows soak up my tears and begrudgingly welcome my tormenters.

i only hope that when they finally leave me, i do not miss them.