it's june... again.

i've been thinking about you for the past month with a variety of wondering emotion. i hope you are looking upon my new life and smiling. if so, there is no need to tell you the details... it's obvious i am well.

i miss you caitlin.

xoxo

happy birthday caitlin.

valentine,

i miss you. i think of you often but i am doing well.

happy birthday.

m.
xoxo

time is cruel but it's all we really have

in your loving memory valentine
i will never forget you
with all my love,

michael

my valentine

when can a moment be kept and maintained;

a moment to heal and shrink away pain.

what kind of sound do you make at this time;

when this moment reminds of lost valentine.

happy birthday valentine. i miss you. i love you.

it's raining, it's pouring... and definitely, i'm not snoring!

somebody please explain something to me... when does the shit stop piling up? at least until i can clear the existing heap of dung falling my way?

shortly after uploading my last post, i found out that my father had been taken to ER with chest pains. he underwent triple heart bypass a few years back and had been experiencing "angina-like" symptoms. i guess wednesday must have been unbearable... otherwise he would have toughed it out.

yes, i was very worried. yes, i was conerned. yet..... i had a much more overwhelming sense telling me he would be just fine. sure enough, after all the crappy tests and observations they put him through he was release saturday afternoon. did i mention it was his birthday as well? so this was some damn good timing - or was it? the jury is still out on that one.

anyhow, little 'a' and i went over to their place and with the company of some other family members we celebrated my dad's birthday in style... chinese food, lots of red wine, and then off he and i went to the leafs vs. flames hockey game.

the game was exciting, we had a great time, we had some great chats - not very deep, but great nonetheless. it was time well spent and i'm hoping there'll be more of it in the future. as for my dad's health... he's good and would rather kick the bucket early than give up on enjoying moments like we did on saturday. AGREED!

i guess i'll have to learn to listen to that "everything will be just fine voice" in my head more often.

each one, teach one...

last week i received an email from a childhood friend. over the years, in all our lives, people come and people go. growing up and moving on is part of our life experiences and the relationships that fall behinds us become part of our memories and our character. i am proud to admit that this friend i speak of is still part of my life, and as adults we are able to talk, email and chat openly and share our, ummmm, shit.

so, this email... it was suggested that i was an inspiring influence. i've heard that a few other times over the past year and as flattering as it is, i am still puzzled as to why...

here is the reply to my curiosity to have this compliment revealed:


you asked me this morning, "why?". why would i write such a message to you and while eloquent in my email when asked, i had no words for explanation even now...

i don't know why. perhaps because you are doing what i wish i would have done perhaps because it wasn't until i sat here trying to discover the "why" that i realized that the most significant loss in my life was also to cancer. unlike you, who fought back i have yet to even accept that it happened. she taught me a lot in her lifetime and one of her lessons was not to leave anything unsaid and that is what brings me to my email to you...

we spend so much time in our lives discussing what we don't want; what makes us unhappy; complaining about things; and allowing others to zap our energy with a single cruel word or even a mindless comment. it makes it that much more important to take the time to tell someone you love them - or at the very least, what they do; to share the good things; and to realize what makes you happy and focus on that. upon reflection, not dealing with a significant loss compounded by the fact that my husband is about to become a police officer perhaps these things combined have caused me to become more appreciative of the little things or perhaps it is simply something that comes with age...

i don't know

i just know it makes me happy to know that what i might say could bring a little joy to someone else and if not, well - it satisfies me to know I've left nothing unsaid. those who are important to me, those who have influenced me, and those who have inspired me... they know how i feel. so i told you. and ill do it again.

what can i say? it made my day and it is a fucking wonderful revelation revealed to her! well said kel!

yep - that's me!

the run for breast cancer came and went... fast. there was some great support both financially and participatory by my family and friends as well as some of caitlin's friends and colleagues. she would have been proud yet humble that this was done for her. she definitely was not one for hogging the spotlight. it's just that the spotlight loved her dearly.

i ran and ran and ran and then it was done. it was only 5km which i was somewhat relieved to find out... i'd been slacking on my long distance capabilities; maybe getting in one very lazy 10km run per week. so, 5km was easier to consider as i approached the starting gate.

anyhow, it felt great to run for her to make her memory a future on this day. i want so badly to say i could feel her there with me but the truth is, i didn't. there were no tears, no misery. i was just happy to be doing my part on her behalf. the rest of sunday was the same and the evening gave way to an easy trek to bed.

AND... ta da!!!! i slept! the whole night - yep... THE WHOLE NIGHT!

no wake ups, no tossing, turning. no wrestling with emotional demons laughing in my ear at what was stolen from me, from caitlin and i. instead, i experienced a truly peaceful and ever so lovely slumber... a deep one. i woke up feeling great and near the end of the day i was approached by one of my employees. she asked me if it was really me...

hell ya it was me...
back in the game...
ready to go....
bahhhring it on!

just give me a little warning first ;)

run, run, run

this weekend is the annual "run for the cure". it is organized and carried out by the canadian breast cancer foundation with the major, lead sponsor being the canadian imperial bank of commerce (cibc).

with some sense of shame, i admit that i have participated in this event in the past in a rather whimsical fashion. although i now dedicate my lungs and legs indefinitely to this cause. i am doing this in memory of my missing half and i will carry her in my heart across the finish line much like i have every day since she came to rest there... with longing and devotion.

for anyone reading this post wishing to help the cause, you may do so through the following link...

https://www.cibcrunforthecure.com/html/personal_page.asp?track=1504128&languageid=1

i have not spent alot of time seeking dollars for my own participation. instead i have enlisted an army of family, friends and colleagues to participate and join me on this day to remember her. i look forward to feeling her presence as she keeps me company along the way...

i miss her terribly.

WTF!?!?

dinner seemed alot less enjoyable after making the decision to check my voicemail in the middle of mowing down my wonderful pasta creation. my father had called and i thought i'd just dial in and see what was up. the somber voice on the message informed me of the passing of my brother-in-law's father early yesterday morning.

we all knew he was sick, and terminal, and full of fucking cancer and that it was a matter of time before his passing would smack us in the face. my brother-in-law, big 'D', and my sister little 's' have been a statue of inspiration on how family should come together at times like this.

for the past 2 months, big 'D' has been making the weekend trip from toronto to halifax while little 's' has been keeping the fort back home. it's not that little s and the kidlettes don't want to make the trip out there on the weekends, it's that big 'D's father just didn't want them around to watch him die. i can't tell you how much admiration and respect i hold for this couple in making things work while enduring and preparing for such a terrible loss.

i am off to halifax for the next few days to do my part in being there for them all... did i mention how they were, at the same time, pushing me through all my own misery and keeping my world healthy? i love them dearly.

fucking cancer...
how can we kill it?
make it suffer, let the hurt linger
in it's own world before it chokes
so it knows, next time
and with second thoughts
never upstages the wonder
of life's experiences for us all
never to rip away
pieces of our hearts again.
kill it!! just fucking kill it!

coat check

i haven't posted anything for a few weeks. instead i have been getting my life in order. guess what... i honestly think that is an unreachable goal - a myth so to speak. things change so fast and priorities fall into your wake as you trudge on into the unkown tomorrows. i think that is the mystery of life; learning how to live it. my dear ol' dad told me once that the key to being happy isn't in getting what you want but in wanting it once you have it. i agree to a point. mostly i feel that in order to be truly happy you have to be satisfied with yourself before you can appreciate anything/anyone else and up until recently, i have not been.

yes, less and less i fumble forward looking behind me for answers and some way to fix what is unfixable and more and more i feel like a whole person. however, admittedly, at times when i am the guy i want to be i unwillingly slump back into my miserable self pitty.

snapping out of this 'slump' is like tossing and turning in your bed reaching for that happy place where your mind finally stops racing, your eyes close and you drift away. what keeps me awake? at this time just three things... the worry of losing my little 'a' to the 'x' and her emotionally based, self righteous sole custody threats, the loss of something so unbelievably wonderful and lastly how to keep all this in balance with the rest of my life and the reality of having to keep moving, keep living, keep happy.

i'd love to shove all this fear, misery and contempt into my jacket pocket and 'coat check' it permanently. so what if it ends up in the lost and found...

i have many other jackets i can wear.

skin deep

did i mention that i am in the middle of the most brutal separation/divorce proceedings? the 'x' is completely bitter, irrational and scandalous towards me. she has even gone so far as to use little 'a' as a bargaining chip... WTF?

of course my comments here are certainly biased however, even if you filtered out the one-sidedness (is that a word) of my version of all the crap, you would surely see the complete terror of her ways.

i am comfortable to admit that the 'x' is a very attractive woman when it comes to appearances and is a nice enough person when it comes to other people who a) are not her ex-husband and b) are not her mother. yet it begs me to question and i can't help but wonder; if beauty truly is only skin deep...

what would she look like turned inside-out?

hmmmmmmmm

goodnight?

my days are moving closer to normal. what is normal? i suppose you could argue that a normal day is one where you decide not to climb a water tower with a sniper rifle. these 'normal days' i refer to simply hold the promise that there are no events leaving your head treading water about as well as a large boulder.

it's the nights that i wish to avoid. bedtime is never a pleasant ritual. i put it off as much as i can until finally, i drag my sorry ass up the stairs to the awaiting alter of woe that most of us call 'bed'. this is where all the reminders of my miserable solitude come to kiss me goodnight. ironically though, it's never a goodnight.

drugs aren't the answer... they only bring sleep faster. the thoughts and the hurt still pre-empt any chemical induced slumber and often result in the most unfair and unavoidable visions, dreams and nightmares. is this my curse, to exhaustingly lay awake begging for closure or even better, the return of a future ripped away from me?

think happy thoughts? eff off! good luck on that one. happy thoughts are NOT a dime a dozen and are usually quite fleeting. as much as i am sure i should elaborate on this, i will instead quickly compare the concept to putting out an inferno by lazily hoarking a luggie in its general direction.

i consent that this does sound hopeless in the truest sense of the word yet i do find comfort in knowing that i have not given up on time being able to dismantle the ticking time bomb in my heart which karma, fate, or whatever/whomever has placed there.

so with my bitter ranting above, now behind me i pledge to tread on. i will continue to fall into bed, head in my hands, clutching my aching chest, curl up into the fetal position, let my pillows soak up my tears and begrudgingly welcome my tormenters.

i only hope that when they finally leave me, i do not miss them.

escape

b-b-b-b-brain hurtsssssssss, c-c-c-can't w-w-w-write...

i've spent the majority of my adult life surrounded by unsolicited advisors. Don'tcha just love free input from people that will never be around a) to help implement it and b) to help pick up the pieces after it goes wrong. even better, is my favourite sneering response after thanking these folk for making it worse... "i was only trying to help". as if i am some kind of ungrateful lowlife. thanks, but next time i'll go to chapters and buy the 'do it wrong yourself' manual.

conclusion... as long as you are somewhat able to come across as knowing what you are talking about, you can pretty much f$&k up any situation for anyone who never really asked your opinion in the first place.

marbles rattle in my mouth
my brain and body are out of synch
bantering fills my ears
and logic leaves me

space, empty all around me
i crave this time
to reflect - to 'reboot'
escape; come to me now.

so, where is this heading? i have to tell you that i am in serious need of some downtime - from everything! like a crack addict foaming at the mouth for my fix, i want to get lost, get outta here... see ya! i'm just not sure on where to fit it into my busy, getting kicked in the ass, schedule.

i'm thinking the sooner the better... fiji anyone (wink)?

say everything?

i have just spent the past two weeks surrounded by my family. we are a scattered clan comprising of 6 siblings (including myself), 14 kidlets (including little 'a'), and two grandparents. for the most part we are very close. close in the way that we know where we come from and how important family is in our lives. family; what would we do without 'us'?

close for us becomes a grey area when it comes to unveiling our emotions. we enjoy the company of discussion on so many things, so many levels but run for cover when matters of the heart come to light. it isn't for lack of trying or the inability for compassion and understanding but rather the lack of 'what to say' when faced with such issues unless of course, it is a discussion about someone else other than ourselves.

our ability to discuss and rationalize and form opinions is like second nature. no, we are not always right. yes, sometimes we hold firm to these opinions like napoleon marching on moscow... a lost cause. however, at the end of it all we can reconcile, step back and laugh at ourselves, amongst ourselves. we are our best critics, our worst cynics and great strategists for situations not under our own individual realms. yet at the same time, without it being acknowledged aloud, we are undeniably bonded.

in light of my recent events, i have to wonder... if faced with an unexpected tragedy, an inevitable, terminal situation... what would be said? i pose the question in silence to my others: "what would you say to me if you knew you were dying long before your expectations"?

for myself, i would have to indulge in what i refer to as "the eulogy of my others" in which i recount with unhindered emotion my deepest feelings for this wonderful group of misfits i call family. i love them beyond words and with this statement, i have decided... there are no words that need to be said...

we just know. voila.

check please!?

this weekend i happened to make an appearance in the real world with a good friend of mine. he is experiencing some personal hell on earth as well, not a matter of the heart but just some personal demons roaming through his daily 'stuff'. we decided to go out to some local pubs and we both agreed there would be NO talk of our crappy, sad sack struggles with life and it's wonderful aptitude for kick-starting boring conversation.

so, out to a few local (hicktown) pubs we went. it was the long weekend so the pubs were a haven for anyone looking for a more metro bar scene. beer was the drink of choice... ice cold and easy drinkin'. we did a few shots as well just to prove we could still handle them. there was very little empty space around us and the "bumpage" factor was very much present.

the evening wore on, and suffice it to say, i had a great time. the only problem i encountered was when an acquaintance of my ex decided to join our duo because we seemed to be "more fun" than the gaggle of women she was cohorting with. i thought to myself; "this is not going to be good"... and i was right.

at first i thought she was going to hammer me about my separation/divorce and give me a hard time for having found someone else and that everyone is happy i lost her because i am such an asshole (at least that's how my ex described it to me). anyhow, turns out she was out for an evening of "leave the crap at home" as well. we three had fun, did shooters and even some of my recently acquired enemies (her friends who were also friends with my ex) joined in.

why was i right you ask? ok, help me out here... what exactly do you say to an attractive woman that wants to take you home for the evening despite being friends with your ex? it was very much an on the spot moment and i didn't even see it coming. so needless to say i was surprised. is it natural to laugh and ask someone if they are kidding after being propositioned? apparently, it is not natural and definitely not appreciated. i was very firm and obvious in my answer to her offer but that didn't stop her... i suppose she might have thought the third time's a charm or at the very least, cute. uh huh, she was cute but it was trouble just waiting for a place to happen. i asked the bartender for the check, grabbed my buddy, politely 'scused myself from this lady and left.

some late night eats and me passing out on the couch at my buddy's place (his wife loves it when the kids come down and "uncle m." is sawing logs and smelling of stale beer) were the last items on our 'to do' list of going out... mission accomplished?

keeping score:
sexy woman looking for some loving... zero
man with baggage... one

poor channel surfing

the news came without warning. her passing after the fact was even more premature. a message to my hotel room in montreal one forsaken sunday morning in june was how i was notified of the finality of her time with me. i don't remember my reaction but i know it wasn't pretty and i was completely lost in what to do next.

the week leading up to this monumental crash was not spent making sense of things. we preferred to take advantage of what little time she had left. we talked about so many beautiful near future moments and left nothing unsaid. it was like packing a perfect lifetime together into 7 days. many details where skipped over; we were far from strangers to each other. hence, this "fast forward" effect. we shared our deepest feelings with each other and despite the inevitable, we were truly happy.

yes, full stop came unexpectedly and i was hurled through the windsheild headlong into a wall that was not even scarred by the impact. making sense of the 'whys' was, and still is, a cruel cruel struggle. sadness preceeded confusion and denial, followed by anger... c'mon, honestly what the eff-you-cee-kay!!??

closure? there is no simple formula, ingredient or kind phrase to wade me through this gravity-enhanced, sensory-deprivng fog. i'm sure relief is somewhere out there and i am hopeful. the problem, i find, is that this hurt keeps her fresh with me. why would i want to let go of this crushing feeling that keeps me remeniscing in what we felt togehter? she confided in me that she was worried that her memory would be forgotten and as much as i am in need of some kind of helpful goodbye, she must know i will never forget her.

so here i am, fumbling forward when all i really want is to go back to the start. luckily enough, i have a wonderful collection of memmories with her, a great bunch of orienteers behind me and a special little shining light giving me some focus. thanks little 'A'.

the bible says god helps those who help
themselves (ummmmmm... ok?);

dear god,

please pass me the remote control with
the enhanced rewind feature.

m.

sucks, sucks, sucks

2005-2006 for me, has in very simple terms, sucked! my father once told me "if you want sympathy, go look between 'shit' and 'syphilis' in the dictionary. yep, i looked, it is there. so, with that in mind i will spare you the details of the suckage factor over the last 2 years which equates to roughly 5.6% of my life.

yesterday a friend of mine gave me her honest opinion of my post with the insipred theme by Mel of "living in a song". after reading my post and knowing what has been going on in my life she mentioned that she was quite worried for me. check that... she was afraid for me.

never one to slight another's opinion i asked her; "do you mean that it would be hard for another woman to live in such a big shadow"? to which she replied; "no, i'm worried about you not having anymore room in your heart".

WOW...

it was very nice to see that my support network was very much still in tact despite my glass-is-half-empty belief that it was otherwise. so in honour of this enlightenment, to all those who are still hangin' on to me rather than the other way around, i offer your memory a future. you will never be forgotten.

as for room in my heart... my crystal ball is temporarily @*&$ed but i predict i will not die without knowing this kind of love again.

living in a song

before i get into it...

please excuse my syntax. please excuse my grammar. i'm an old school romantic who never paid much attention to the precision required in translating your mind to black and white or whatever colour your tool may ooze.

back to the point...

some wonderful writing brought into my head a topic of living within a song. the story behind this subject, as usual, was very entertaining. at first i thought that to make a defining statement such as this i would have to sit silent, eyes closed and ponder at great length on my existense to date. wrong! all i really had to do was follow my heart.

my heart lives in the moment, and at this point in time it is living in the memory of someone i lost recently. i still find it hard to romantically phrase this loss. i suppose my anger and hurt prevent me from doing so... she passed away last june from cancer.

ok, so, living in her memory. longing for a future that has been stolen. playing a song over and over and over in my head, on my ipod, wherever... i live in this song. it is a song i wrote and each line has significant meaning to us both. it is a song that she inspired me to compsose. it is, to me, a song about how love should be, and despite the unsaid that goes along with each word, it says so much about where we were headed, togehter... before her tragic fate fell on our world.

the main inspiration started with talks of travel together, exploring the world and each other. followed by hints of commitment, stronger and more certain after each moment spent together. and finally, with a brave and confident embrace she took the pieces of my heart and gave hers in return. my heart thumps wildly for her still.

*******************************************************************
daylight is fading, i'm holding your hand
we're walking together on seashells and sand
your arms move around me, i feel the air that you breathe
time stands still before us and i don't want to leave

when all is said, when all is done
i'll still be loving you, you're so the one
when all is said, when all is done
i'll still be loving you, my heart won't be undone

the lights are off, in our room tonight
and i'm lying beside you, holding you tight
you whisper in my ear, my fingers go through your hair
if the world fell around us, i wouldn't care because...

when all is said, when all is done
i'll still be loving you, you're so the one
when all is said, when all is done
i'll still be loving you, my heart won't be undone
*******************************************************************

there you have it. it is short, it is sweet, it is ours and i miss her terribly. i miss her singing it to me, i miss singing it to her. i miss our future.

this is where i live.